I'm guilty of asking that very question of women who find themselves in toxic relationships with men, even though I know it's frustrating for them to hear. I ask it, even though I was once one of them, living in a poisonous environment, feeling the sting of verbal jabs, emotionally twisted into knots, mentally confused and frustrated. I've been on of those women finding very good, sound, solid reasons for why I couldn't, shouldn't leave my abuser. I know their thought processes. I know the pressure they feel from family and friends who don't understand the nature of a Toxic Person, people who say things like, "It takes two to tango" or "There are two sides to every story" "Every relationship has its problems."
Still, it infuriates me to hear insensitive comments about victims of abuse who "bring it on themselves" because they won't leave. There are a world of reasons we can invent to keep us locked into toxic relationships, but when all is said and done they can be deconstructed, torn down, made insignificant if we stop manufacturing excuses long enough to realize that the only reason we stay is fear.
Doesn't it seem counter-intuitive to stay in a relationship with someone who makes us feel fearful, ashamed, dirty, stupid, ugly, cheap, a failure, because we are afraid of what life will be like without them?
"But he's the father of my children. It isn't fair to the children to remove him from their lives."
Is it fair to the children to grow up believing that the way their father treats you is the way men are supposed to treat women? Is it fair to your son to learn that disrespect of women is expected of him? Is it fair to your daughter to end up in a relationship like yours one day because you've taught her that it's okay, normal even, for a man to verbally, mentally, emotionally or maybe even physically mistreat his wife?
"It's not fair to him to not get to see his kids every day."
Is he worried about being fair to you? Why are you so focused on his feelings, his wants, desires and needs and so neglectful and dismissive of your own?
Toxic people try their best to define everyone else's reality. "I'm good to you," he says. And you agree because after all, he works, he brings home a paycheck, he makes sure the oil gets changed in your car. But there's a nagging feeling you push down deep, a feeling that tells you, no, he's not good to you. He calls you clumsy, a bitch. He tells you you're slow and stupid, that he can't trust you, that you ruin everything, that you couldn't survive without him. And you believe it all. He has defined reality for you.
"He's really not a bad guy, he just has a mental problem (emotional problem, he was abused as a child, he's stressed out, he has an anger problem...addiction...)."
Insomuch as he's an abusive partner, he is a bad guy. He officially puts himself in the role of enemy the moment he oversteps the boundary that separates you from him and begins to put you down, demean you, or try to control you. Good guys don't abuse their partners. Period.
What really got me thinking about all this though is a conversation I had with a woman who, when she reached out to her own family for support in ending her relationship with an abusive husband, ended up receiving advice on how to stick with it, fix her relationship and try to make it work. "Maybe you need some time apart...maybe your husband needs to take a vacation on his own." Never mind the fact that the said husband hadn't had a job in 5 years, refused to care for his preschool aged child while his wife worked, and spend most of his days in a pot-infused haze.
Religious institutions teach us that we should try every avenue possible before we walk away from a relationship. If someone is abusive towards us, we are taught to "help" them. Women seek advice on how to "support" their husbands and help them seek recovery. What we are not taught is how to help ourselves, how to protect ourselves, how to set rock solid boundaries so that at the first sign of mistreatment, we are out the door.
Toxic people are experts at teaching us to be their caretakers, and once we are placed in the caretaker role for them, the guilt and obligation we feel to care for them is overwhelming. Our guilt and obligation are two of the most effective tools in the toxic person's arsenal. Oddly enough, these are two emotional traps the Toxic Person will never find himself in. He knows better than to commit, to be obligated to anyone. He feels no guilt about hurting others--he's merely taking care of himself. If you're hurt by his behavior, it's your problem, not his.
Women are prime targets for toxic men because we are taught to be caretakers from the time we are children. The nurturing instinct is strong, and an abuser will hone it on it and exploit it to the greatest degree possible for his own benefit.
So the next time you look at a woman in an abusive relationship stop and think before you judge her. Think about all the people in her life who are telling her she shouldn't leave her husband because he's sick, because of the kids, because she can't support herself without him. Think about the mental and emotional confusion the Toxic Person creates with inconsistent behavior, verbal abuse and isolation of his victim that leads to her being totally dependent on him to meet her physical and emotional needs.
Don't always assume that every bout of marital discord is a result of poor communication, or that the strife is a two way street. When someone is wrapped up in the world of a Toxic Person, nothing is normal. Nothing is as it seems from the outside looking in. Instead of judging, we should empower. We should teach women that they are worthy of love, respect, nurturing. We should encourage them to be their OWN caretakers, to assert themselves and to reject the idea of slavery to the guilt and obligation that keeps them locked into a life of misery and abuse from a Toxic mate.
