Why Don't You Leave?

I'm guilty of asking that very question of women who find themselves in toxic relationships with men, even though I know it's frustrating for them to hear.  I ask it, even though I was once one of them, living in a poisonous environment, feeling the sting of verbal jabs, emotionally twisted into knots, mentally confused and frustrated.  I've been on of those women finding very good, sound, solid reasons for why I couldn't, shouldn't leave my abuser.  I know their thought processes.  I know the pressure they feel from family and friends who don't understand the nature of a Toxic Person, people who say things like, "It takes two to tango" or "There are two sides to every story" "Every relationship has its problems."

Still, it infuriates me to hear insensitive comments about victims of abuse who "bring it on themselves" because they won't leave.  There are a world of reasons we can invent to keep us locked into toxic relationships, but when all is said and done they can be deconstructed, torn down, made insignificant if we stop manufacturing excuses long enough to realize that the only reason we stay is fear.

Doesn't it seem counter-intuitive to stay in a relationship with someone who makes us feel fearful, ashamed, dirty, stupid, ugly, cheap, a failure, because we are afraid of what life will be like without them?

"But he's the father of my children. It isn't fair to the children to remove him from their lives."

Is it fair to the children to grow up believing that the way their father treats you is the way men are supposed to treat women?  Is it fair to your son to learn that disrespect of women is expected of him?  Is it fair to your daughter to end up in a relationship like yours one day because you've taught her that it's okay, normal even, for a man to verbally, mentally, emotionally or maybe even physically mistreat his wife?

"It's not fair to him to not get to see his kids every day."

Is he worried about being fair to you?  Why are you so focused on his feelings, his wants, desires and needs and so neglectful and dismissive of your own?

Toxic people try their best to define everyone else's reality.  "I'm good to you," he says.  And you agree because after all, he works, he brings home a paycheck, he makes sure the oil gets changed in your car.  But there's a nagging feeling you push down deep, a feeling that tells you, no, he's not good to you.  He calls you clumsy, a bitch.  He tells you you're slow and stupid, that he can't trust you, that you ruin everything, that you couldn't survive without him.  And you believe it all.  He has defined reality for you.

"He's really not a bad guy, he just has a mental problem (emotional problem, he was abused as a child, he's stressed out, he has an anger problem...addiction...)."

Insomuch as he's an abusive partner, he is a bad guy.  He officially puts himself in the role of enemy the moment he oversteps the boundary that separates you from him and begins to put you down, demean you, or try to control you.  Good guys don't abuse their partners. Period.

What really got me thinking about all this though is a conversation I had with a woman who, when she reached out to her own family for support in ending her relationship with an abusive husband, ended up receiving advice on how to stick with it, fix her relationship and try to make it work.  "Maybe you need some time apart...maybe your husband needs to take a vacation on his own."  Never mind the fact that the said husband hadn't had a job in 5 years, refused to care for his preschool aged child while his wife worked, and spend most of his days in a pot-infused haze.

Religious institutions teach us that we should try every avenue possible before we walk away from a relationship. If someone is abusive towards us, we are taught to "help" them.  Women seek advice on how to "support" their husbands and help them seek recovery.  What we are not taught is how to help ourselves, how to protect ourselves, how to set rock solid boundaries so that at the first sign of mistreatment, we are out the door.

Toxic people are experts at teaching us to be their caretakers, and once we are placed in the caretaker role for them, the guilt and obligation we feel to care for them is overwhelming.  Our guilt and obligation are two of the most effective tools in the toxic person's arsenal.  Oddly enough, these are two emotional traps the Toxic Person will never find himself in.  He knows better than to commit, to be obligated to anyone. He feels no guilt about hurting others--he's merely taking care of himself. If you're hurt by his behavior, it's your problem, not his.

Women are prime targets for toxic men because we are taught to be caretakers from the time we are children.  The nurturing instinct is strong, and an abuser will hone it on it and exploit it to the greatest degree possible for his own benefit.

So the next time you look at a woman in an abusive relationship stop and think before you judge her.  Think about all the people in her life who are telling her she shouldn't leave her husband because he's sick, because of the kids, because she can't support herself without him.  Think about the mental and emotional confusion the Toxic Person creates with inconsistent behavior, verbal abuse and isolation of his victim that leads to her being totally dependent on him to meet her physical and emotional needs.

Don't always assume that every bout of marital discord is a result of poor communication, or that the strife is a two way street.  When someone is wrapped  up in the world of a Toxic Person, nothing is normal. Nothing is as it seems from the outside looking in. Instead of judging, we should empower. We should teach women that they are worthy of love, respect, nurturing.  We should encourage them to be their OWN caretakers, to assert themselves and to reject the idea of slavery to the guilt and obligation that keeps them locked into a life of misery and abuse from a Toxic mate.

The One Sided World of the Toxic Person

For a Toxic Person, there is only one side to everything.  His side.

In an argument, he will always be right.  When he makes a mistake, it is someone else's fault. He will never admit to behaving inappropriately to others, but will be quick to point out when someone else has mistreated him.  He will expect others in his life to give freely to him, but he will be stingy, miserly and selfish towards them.

The Toxic Person has very high expectations of everyone else, but is appalled if he is held to the same standards by which he judges others.  He sees himself as a being of high moral character who deserves special treatment just by virtue of who he is; but he expects -others to earn special treatment from him.

When you are in a relationship with a Toxic Person you will feel tired.  You will begin to feel that you do all the work of maintaining the relationship, but get very little back in return for your efforts. The one-sidedness of a relationship with a Toxic Person often results in feelings of resentment on the part of the non-toxic partner.  You may feel that you give and give, and none of your giving is appreciated or acknowledged. You offer support, encouragement, affection and get nothing but complaints and put-downs in return.  How could you not feel resentful?

A Toxic Person lacks empathy.  He doesn't consider your feelings or your needs because he does not possess the ability to step outside of himself an see things from your perspective.  He may never show sincere appreciation for you, but he will expect unlimited praise and recognition when he does something for you.  This is true even when the Toxic Person gives you something you don't want or does something for you that you had hoped to do for yourself.

For a Toxic Person, giving is another means of gaining control and power.  It is important for a Toxic Person to remain "one up" in all his dealings with others.  He cannot stand the feeling of "owing" anyone anything, but conversely, enjoys the power of feeling that others "owe" him.  Watch out for the overly-generous person in any new relationship.  Often the Toxic Person will do favors for you, pay to fix your car, or take care of some other pressing issue in your life as a means of gaining your loyalty or to get the feeling of security that comes with having you "owe" him something.

If you know a Toxic Person who seems to generously give to others, take note of how he reacts when someone does him an extraordinary kindness.  Is he anxious about doing something kind in return as soon as possible in order to level the field?  If you do something kind for him, does he seem irritated by it?  Does he seem to devalue you more and more, the more giving you become?  Toxic people love to take from others, but they are often hesitant to accept what others want to give them.  The Toxic Person has an internal belief system that tells him he must always get the best end of every deal; if another benefits more from an interaction than he does, he will feel cheated.

In a relationship with a Toxic Person everything feels like a competition.  His time is worth more than yours, so for every minute he gives you, you will be expected to give him triple.  Toxic relationships result in a viscous cycle of frustration and resentment.  He will expect you to give, give, give and will only give back when he deems you worthy of his time and attention.  Then when he does finally give a little, he will expect you to praise him endlessly.  He will pout if you are not completely open and giving of yourself to him, but each time you go out of your way to please him, he will devalue you more.

The Toxic Person will have endless rules for you to follow, but those rules will not apply to him.  The rules often change without notice, leaving you guilty of having broken one and in the position of apologizing for your offense.  You will feel confused much of the time when you are in a relationship with a toxic person.  The lop-sided rule system along with the ever-changing boundaries concerning those rules will eventually wear down your defenses and leave you at the mercy and whim of the Toxic Person.

Keeping his one-sided view of the world intact is so important to the Toxic Person that he will engage in denial, cognitive distortions, and projection in order to keep his perspective in place.

The Toxic Person will invalidate your experiences, both emotional and physical in order to preserve his own belief system.  He will re-write history, remembering things that didn't happen, or using selective memory to deny things he might have said or done, he will accuse you of engaging in the very behaviors that he employs against you. This is all designed to keep you and the relationship off-balance so that he maintains a position of power and control over you.

It is important to start setting boundaries with such a person as soon as you recognize these behaviors.  Personal Boundaries are what protect us from being mistreated and abused by others.  By creating and enforcing our boundaries, we tell people how to treat us.  Boundaries are not designed to control or change another person, but to help us determine what behaviors we will accept and which behaviors we will not allow to be part of our lives.

If you are dealing with a lop-sided relationship, here are some thoughts to help you begin to establish boundaries with the Toxic Person:

• Remember that your time is just as valuable as his.  
• You do not have to "prove" your love and loyalty to another person over and over and over again by going above and beyond what is reasonable giving behavior.
• You do not "owe" the toxic person your time, talents, gifts or sex, even when he has done something kind for you.
• It is reasonable and acceptable to ask for what you want from another person and to refuse what you do not want from them.
• You are not responsible for making him feel secure, superior, adored, or revered.
• You are not responsible when he feels down on himself, insecure, or anxious.
• You are just as worthy of his attention, affection and loyalty as he is of yours.
• You do not have to engage in a power struggle or competition with the Toxic Person.

More on Boundaries in the next post!

How Many Toxic People Do You Know?

Remember Mr. Yuk?  He was the face of a campaign launched by the Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh to help parents label household chemicals that are poisonous when ingested.  These green stickers were placed on common household cleaning products to indicate to children that they shouldn't drink them, play with them, or touch them.  The Mr. Yuk campaign has probably saved a lot of children from harming themselves with poisonous substances.

Wouldn't it be nice if toxic people had to wear a label?  They would be much easier to spot and we could know, at a glance, that if we mess with them, we will end up getting hurt.  Unfortunately, we have to learn how to identify toxic people on our own, and they aren't always so easy to spot in the beginning.

There are two types of toxic people who end up in our lives: the ones we choose, and the ones we are born into.  The chosen people in our lives who are or can become toxic influences include those people we date and/or marry, friends, and in some cases, bosses and co-workers.  The unchosen toxic people can be our parents, our siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, step-parents and even adult children. The term "chosen relationship" in the context of this blog is not meant to indicate that one has "chosen" to be in a relationship with a toxic person; it just means you chose that relationship and you have the option of unchoosing it in order to free yourself from it's poisonous effects on your life.

More complicated are those "unchosen" relationships with toxic people.  Often we feel we have no choice but to continue to include such people in our lives. After all, they are family, and family sticks together. You can't un-choose your parents or siblings, right?  Well, partly right.  You can't make them NOT be your family anymore, but you can limit their influence on your life by limiting your contact with them.  Often poisonous family members are as difficult to spot as poisonous strangers.  Toxic behaviors are not openly discussed as such, making them much harder to spot, identify and distance ourselves from.

The aim of this blog is to help people who are trapped in unhealthy relationships with toxic people.  It is not a resource for helping you figure out how to change the toxic people in your life (or detoxify them) but to detox your life.  There is a way to rid yourself of the negativity and pain that comes from living your life in the shadow of toxic people, but it will require you to work on yourself, make some tough decisions, and learn to create healthy personal boundaries that are consistent throughout all your relationships.

The first step in ridding your life of poisonous people is to identify who they are.  Whether you've just met someone who is giving you that "something's not right" feeling, or you've been struggling to get along with you sister for years, these are some signs that the difficult people in your life are, indeed toxic:

• He/She has a way of making everything about him/herself.  An example of this would be the person who has a seriously ill relative, but rather than allowing the attention and focus of others be directed at the sick person, the Toxic Person (TP) will put on a show of great emotional distress, make his/her role as caregiver into a heroic effort to be praised, or turn their role as caregiver into a picture of Martyrdom.  If you have a problem, the TP will have a bigger problem.  If you are sick, the TP will be sicker. If your husband is toxic and you lose your job, he will complain about how the lack of income affects HIM, rather than how you might feel about having lost your job.
• Toxic people complain a lot.  You will rarely have a conversation with a TP who doesn't have something to complain about.   At a restaurant, they are never pleased with the food, the service or the bill. She will rarely order something off the menu "as is".  Even on the most pleasant of days, he will complain about the temperature, the humidity, or the pollen levels.  
• TP do not generally notice the good things about you.  They are nit-pickers and criticizers.  No matter what you do for them, it's usually not enough, or you didn't do it the right way.  Their criticism doesn't stop at judging the things you do for them.  They will also criticize your personal choices, your appearance, the way you manage money or keep your house.  Nothing is off limits.
• TP are not good at giving sincere compliments or praise.  Some Toxic People will excessively talk about how "wonderful" you are to the point that it makes you uncomfortable and feels very insincere.  That's because it IS insincere.  Others will simply never have anything good to say about you, while expecting unlimited amounts of praise from you about them.
• TP' feel entitled to special treatment, even when they haven't earned it.  
• TP  will talk poorly of others to you, and will talk poorly of you to others.
• TP see the world in black and white.  It is not uncommon to be in the TP's good graces one day and find yourself totally disowned the next.  This black and white thinking comes as a result of the TP over-idealizing certain people, and then finding out that that person cannot live up to his impossible ideal.  In the eyes of a TP, you are either perfect or horrible.  There is no in-between.  Black and white thinking also extends to issues of morality.  There is no grey area in life for a TP.
• A TP cannot accept that you have different ideas and opinions and that your differing perspectives are just as "right" as his.
• A TP finds it hard to apologize.
• A TP expects others to apologize to them, even when apologies are not warranted.
• TP try to control everyone and every thing around them.  By maintaining a sense of control, they maintain the illusion of power.  They are unaware of or are unconcerned with the personal power of others.  They want the last word in arguments, they will brow-beat you until you agree with them, they will make demands on your time and will expect you to be fully accountable to them for all your actions.  
• TP resent your autonomy.
• TP resent any demands that another makes of them.  A TP may willingly give of his time, affection, or money if and when he decides he wants to, but the minute you ask him for something he will balk, complain and/or refuse to give it to you.
• TP interfere in your other relationships.  A Toxic husband may try to keep his wife from spending time with her parents, a toxic friend might demand that you not be friends with someone else that she doesn't like, a toxic co-worker may spread rumors in the office in an effort to alienate you from your colleagues.  Toxic grandparents or even step-parents may criticize the way you parent your children, undermine your authority with your children or speak poorly about you to your children.  
• TP want to be the center of everyone else's universe.  That is why it is important for the TP to isolate you from all your other friendships/relationships.
• TP want you to feel dependent upon them.  For a TP, being loved is not enough.  They need to be needed as well, because being needed gives them a sense of security in the relationship.
• TP make you feel tired, confused and defeated. If you can think of someone in your life who leaves you feeling drained after having spent time with them, you have likely been in the company of a Toxic Person.

Now that you have a few descriptions of toxic behaviors, try to think of the people in your life who are Toxic.  How do you feel when you've been around them?  Is there more than one?  Are most of the people in your life of the poisonous variety?

If so, don't despair.  Recognizing unhealthy relationships is just the beginning of the beginning of change.  You cannot affect change until you figure where to start.  If you've determined that toxic people are stealing your joy, it is time to identify and begin the work of taking your power back.