In an argument, he will always be right. When he makes a mistake, it is someone else's fault. He will never admit to behaving inappropriately to others, but will be quick to point out when someone else has mistreated him. He will expect others in his life to give freely to him, but he will be stingy, miserly and selfish towards them.
The Toxic Person has very high expectations of everyone else, but is appalled if he is held to the same standards by which he judges others. He sees himself as a being of high moral character who deserves special treatment just by virtue of who he is; but he expects -others to earn special treatment from him.
When you are in a relationship with a Toxic Person you will feel tired. You will begin to feel that you do all the work of maintaining the relationship, but get very little back in return for your efforts. The one-sidedness of a relationship with a Toxic Person often results in feelings of resentment on the part of the non-toxic partner. You may feel that you give and give, and none of your giving is appreciated or acknowledged. You offer support, encouragement, affection and get nothing but complaints and put-downs in return. How could you not feel resentful?
A Toxic Person lacks empathy. He doesn't consider your feelings or your needs because he does not possess the ability to step outside of himself an see things from your perspective. He may never show sincere appreciation for you, but he will expect unlimited praise and recognition when he does something for you. This is true even when the Toxic Person gives you something you don't want or does something for you that you had hoped to do for yourself.
For a Toxic Person, giving is another means of gaining control and power. It is important for a Toxic Person to remain "one up" in all his dealings with others. He cannot stand the feeling of "owing" anyone anything, but conversely, enjoys the power of feeling that others "owe" him. Watch out for the overly-generous person in any new relationship. Often the Toxic Person will do favors for you, pay to fix your car, or take care of some other pressing issue in your life as a means of gaining your loyalty or to get the feeling of security that comes with having you "owe" him something.
If you know a Toxic Person who seems to generously give to others, take note of how he reacts when someone does him an extraordinary kindness. Is he anxious about doing something kind in return as soon as possible in order to level the field? If you do something kind for him, does he seem irritated by it? Does he seem to devalue you more and more, the more giving you become? Toxic people love to take from others, but they are often hesitant to accept what others want to give them. The Toxic Person has an internal belief system that tells him he must always get the best end of every deal; if another benefits more from an interaction than he does, he will feel cheated.
In a relationship with a Toxic Person everything feels like a competition. His time is worth more than yours, so for every minute he gives you, you will be expected to give him triple. Toxic relationships result in a viscous cycle of frustration and resentment. He will expect you to give, give, give and will only give back when he deems you worthy of his time and attention. Then when he does finally give a little, he will expect you to praise him endlessly. He will pout if you are not completely open and giving of yourself to him, but each time you go out of your way to please him, he will devalue you more.
The Toxic Person will have endless rules for you to follow, but those rules will not apply to him. The rules often change without notice, leaving you guilty of having broken one and in the position of apologizing for your offense. You will feel confused much of the time when you are in a relationship with a toxic person. The lop-sided rule system along with the ever-changing boundaries concerning those rules will eventually wear down your defenses and leave you at the mercy and whim of the Toxic Person.
Keeping his one-sided view of the world intact is so important to the Toxic Person that he will engage in denial, cognitive distortions, and projection in order to keep his perspective in place.
The Toxic Person will invalidate your experiences, both emotional and physical in order to preserve his own belief system. He will re-write history, remembering things that didn't happen, or using selective memory to deny things he might have said or done, he will accuse you of engaging in the very behaviors that he employs against you. This is all designed to keep you and the relationship off-balance so that he maintains a position of power and control over you.
It is important to start setting boundaries with such a person as soon as you recognize these behaviors. Personal Boundaries are what protect us from being mistreated and abused by others. By creating and enforcing our boundaries, we tell people how to treat us. Boundaries are not designed to control or change another person, but to help us determine what behaviors we will accept and which behaviors we will not allow to be part of our lives.
If you are dealing with a lop-sided relationship, here are some thoughts to help you begin to establish boundaries with the Toxic Person:
- Remember that your time is just as valuable as his.
- You do not have to "prove" your love and loyalty to another person over and over and over again by going above and beyond what is reasonable giving behavior.
- You do not "owe" the toxic person your time, talents, gifts or sex, even when he has done something kind for you.
- It is reasonable and acceptable to ask for what you want from another person and to refuse what you do not want from them.
- You are not responsible for making him feel secure, superior, adored, or revered.
- You are not responsible when he feels down on himself, insecure, or anxious.
- You are just as worthy of his attention, affection and loyalty as he is of yours.
- You do not have to engage in a power struggle or competition with the Toxic Person.
More on Boundaries in the next post!
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